Look In The Mirror

Your relationships can only be as healthy as you are.
-Neil Clark Warren




Hello Friends,

I hope you're all enjoying the Christmas season. I know mine has been a learning experience as always. It seems like there's an important "growing-up" lesson from God for me when this time rolls around. It's been a while since I added to my series of essays on interacting with people. So if you'll permit me, let me share with you what I think is one of the fundamentals of socialization.

Before you can easily relate to others, you've got to start with yourself. It takes two people to interact, and if something in your persona is keeping you from being around others (shyness, selfishness, etc.), then you've got some problems with being a "people person." I know this firsthand as a... you guessed it... social bumpkin. As a young, acne-faced, pre-teen boy, I struggled with being bold enough to talk to people. My under-confidence and insecurities about myself strongly discouraged me from talking with people. Although, even if I was able to talk with people a little bit, I was so self-centered with the person I was talking to. I wanted to talk only about the things that I was interested in. (which by the way, I still have a LOT of trouble with) Looking back on that time, I don't think I would've had much fun hanging out with myself. I needed to look in the mirror; I had to learn that I needed to start with myself when relating to others.

When you "start with yourself," you've first got to know why it's important to "start with yourself" in the first place. In this life, who you are affects your relationships with others. Would you be willing to be friends with a pompous, self-centered, jerk? ...of course not! Our character is a big determining factor in being able to make friends or not at all. A loving, caring, unselfish person will always attract many more people than someone who is just the opposite. In addition, who we are colors our perception of others. There's a classic story that illustrates this point:

"A traveler nearing a great city asked an old man seated by the road, 'What are the people like in this city?'
The old man responded by asking, 'What were they like where you came from?' 'Horrible,' the traveler reported. 'Mean, untrustworthy, detestable in all respects.'
'Ah,' said the old man, 'you will find them the same in the city ahead.'
Scarcely had the first traveler gone on his way when another stopped to inquire about the people in the city before him. Again the old man asked about the people in the place the traveler had just left. 'They were fine people: honest, industrious, and generous to a fault,' declared the second traveler. 'I was sorry to leave.' The old man responded, 'That's exactly how you'll find the people here.'"

How true it is that who we are influences the way we see others: If we are trusting, we will see others as trustworthy. If we are critical, we will see others as critical. If we are caring, we will see others as compassionate. We are like the lens of a telescope, what we see in ourselves influences the way we see others, and the way we see others influences the way we treat them.

Another reason why you are affects your ability to relate with people is how insecurities and under-confidence discourage you from being with people. This discouragement isn't just about being shy. If we have a poor opinion of ourselves, we will expect the worst, we hurt relationships, and we find others who are similarly negative. An extreme example of this is the goth culture we live in today. These people are nearly always miserable as they have such a negative outlook upon the world and upon themselves that it can lead to suicide. According to a study of 1,300 Scottish teens, it was indicated that almost half of teenagers who identify with the Goth subculture have attempted suicide or otherwise tried to hurt themselves. This is a stark contrast to someone who has a positive outlook of themselves. Those people expect the best, and will find the best people to be friends with.

Now that you know why you need to "start with yourself" in relating to people, you need to know what you should do with yourself. Eleanor Roosevelt said once that, "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." I think that's a true statement. We do have the option to feel good or bad about ourselves regarding any situation related directly or indirectly to us. Although, I'm not saying that we fool ourselves into thinking we're "good," because we're sinners saved by grace. What I am saying is that we take any circumstance, realize (through God's Holy Spirit, hopefully) weather we were right or wrong, and not let what happened send us into the depths of useless self-pity. Leadership teacher Ken Blanchard said the following about this very issue. He said,

"I choose to feel good about myself. that way I am more open to learning. If people give me negative feedback or criticize something I do, I don't interpret what they are saying as meaning that I am a "bad" person. The belief that I control my own self-esteem permits me to listen to and hear their feedback in a non-defensive way --- looking to see if there is something I can learn."

When we become "mentally and emotionally bruised" by the circumstances in our life, it can leave us in a position that is callus towards the opportunity to learn and to grow. Because we get upset at ourselves, we can miss some great things in life.

The most important thing we need to remember about ourselves is that we truly are loved and that we truly are valuable... because our Heavenly Father says so. A couple of years ago, news stations all across America were following the story of Terri Schiavo, a tube fed patient, who had been medically defined as "brian-dead" for over a decade. In a huge court battle, Terri's husband (who had already married again) fought against Terri's parents to take their daughter's feeding tube out and kill her, claiming that Terri had asked him to do so if she had ever become brain-dead. The case made national news as people pondered about the sanctity of life in regards to mentally handicapped people. According to the world, Terri was dead for all intensive purposes: She couldn't work. She couldn't talk. She couldn't even feed herself. She wasn't "valuable" to the world. But in the eyes of her Savior, she was valuable. It didn't matter to God that she was in the state she was in. All that mattered to him was that she was still... "a child of the King."

There's a saying that goes, "In order to make a friend, you must be a friend." Good relationships with people start with you. The personality you have, from your character, to your mannerisms, to your attitude, affects the kind of relationships you will have in this world. When you feel that things aren't going well in your relationships, perhaps it may be time to look in the mirror. And when you do, ask yourself what you see. God may have something to show you about yourself, and that can make all the difference.


I remain,

Your friend,

Aaron Morrison


Merry Christmas, everybody!